Sadness, Fear, Regret, LOVE...

My Significant Other,

I am sad whenever we argue. It hurts to feel your doubts and mistrust. I am sad whenever we disagree. It hurts when you keep misunderstanding me. I am sad when you are unhappy with me. I am sad when you are frustrated and disappointed with me. It hurts when you are not excited to see me. I am sad when sometimes I feel like you wouldn't even notice if I wasn't here. It hurts when I feel like you don't care.

I am afraid that you don't care. I am afraid you don't even know why I'm upset. I am afraid we are drifting further apart. I am afraid if I can't do anything about it. I am afraid that I am boring to you. I am afraid of making mistakes. I am afraid I can't do what I want without upsetting you. I am afraid of looking incompetent. I am afraid you don't appreciate me. I am afraid I can't make you happy. I am afraid I am not good enough.

I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry that I became so cold. I am sorry for being so resistant to your ideas. I am sorry for making your feelings wrong. I am sorry that I judged you. I am sorry that I can't stay calm whenever we talk. I feel so embarrassed for being so emotional. I am sorry that I am not more accepting. I am ashamed that I am not more loving. You don't deserve to be treated that way.

I want you to be happy. I want to work this out. I want to support you like you always have. I understand that you're upset. I know that you're not just trying to make me feel bad. I know that you really do care. Forgive me for being so indifferent. Forgive me for being so invalidating of your feelings. I want to be your hero and I want you to admire me for being who I am. I understand you are doing your best. I know that you love me, and I want to love you back in many more loving ways...

with love,
Your Other Half

Back in Black...

It has been a while since I was here. Many things around me have changed. Some good, some bad, some pretty, some ugly. The undeniable and startling fact? I still remain the same.
Today is the 1st day of Ramadan(happy fasting to all Muslims out there) and I've decided to start this 'bulan baik' with new hopes, wishes, dreams and resolutions for the future.
To my beloved sister Rabiatul Basariah, congratulations on the birth of your second child, Qistina Maisarah(my 2nd niece and my 5th anak sedara). I hope she's all fit and strong now after a few weeks in the incubator(you poor little baby), and I'm sure she'll grow up to be a fine young lady one day. Just like her mom.
Ummi, I'm sorry I can't always be there for you at times when you needed me most. I know you'd understand(like you always have since I was a kid), but still- I'm sorry. There are lots of things to be done here, but I promise that I'll make it up to you one day. I will always pray for your safety and well-being all the time, wherever you are, whatever you do. I promise you, this coming Aidilfitri will be the one of the best 'hari raya' celebrations for our little family. Insya-Allah.
To all my friends out there, please forgive my ignorance and neglectance. I know I can be a total jerk sometimes(M.I.A. most of the time and being so hard to reach), but believe me- I've NEVER forgotten any single one of you. That's why I'm trying so hard to get back in touch with you guys, although some of us have never exchanged words since years and years ago. Forgive me, my friends. Aku tidak pernah lupa daratan. Dan aku bukanlah si kacang yang melupakan kulitnya. Aku masih sayang kamu semua.
This entry will go on and on and on as I still have plenty to say, but I think that's all for starters. I'll be spending most of my time here after this, Insya-Allah, babbling away about the significant and insignificant changes happening around me, day in and day out.
Semoga yang baik kita jadikan petunjuk dan tauladan, yang buruk kita jadikan garis sempadan.

It feels so good to be back. I'm back in black, still with that fake plastic smile across my face.