Wearing Thin Down to the Core...

I'm thankful to ALLAH for all the great and wonderful stuff in my life. I also know that life's trials and tribulations are all qada' dan qadar. Everything happens for a reason, hence the famous saying 'ada hikmah di sebaliknya'.
Today, I realised something that I had missed all these while. Life is about knowing the exact moment to let go of things that you can't hold on to. For all you stereotypes out there, this is not 'running away from your problems'. I would call it 'creating better chances'. For yourself; and for others around you.
I know where I stand. My feet have always been on the wrong side of the fence. I've always been told that I belong here, but I don't. I was being too confident that I forgot who I was. I thought I'd never fall apart, but I am. I tried and tried and tried, but the efforts have just not been good enough.
Today, I take a vow. I will become somebody one day. I will prove that I'm not just a good-for-nothing jackass. Until that day comes by, I've got nothing against anyone and I blame nobody but myself for everything that has happened.
I'm just a man who wants to be happy. I will pursue that happiness, whatever it takes. Even if I have to keep searching for it until my hands bleed.
Yang baik itu dari ALLAH, yang buruk itu dari kelemahan diri saya sendiri.

Malaysian Football = Good Entertainment

Forget Chelsea vs Man U. Tonight is all about Piala Malaysia. So bila cakap pasal bola Malaysia, kena la guna bahasa ibunda. Baru ada feel. Hohoho. Maka tanpa membuang masa, saya persembahkan final score Piala Carok eh Piala Malaysia 2009 yang telah berlangsung di Stadium Bukit Jalil sebentar tadi.

Kelantan 1 -indra putra mahyudin
Negeri Sembilan 3 -shahrul ain, hairuddin omar, zaquan adha(p)

Scoreline yang agak menarik. Tapi lebih banyak yang menarik. Marilah kita recap bersama detik-detik bermakna sepanjang perlawanan.

1.encik zaquan adha yang tak henti-henti terjatuh dan tergolek-golek dan tersakit-sakit. tau la pemain pro. mengerang sikit orang medik dah menggelabah datang menghadap. tapi sampai keluar padang naik stretcher EMPAT kali. capap ke apa, bro?

2.die-hard fans kelantan (konon) yang seronok membakar kain rentang yang diorang gak penat-penat buat dan usung ke stadium. kena 3 bijik dah bakar banner & kerusi, tembak mercun, baling botol. nasib baik n9 tak score 8. kalau tak tinggal rangka la stadium tu. (bakar kerusi eh?batak giler perangai korang)

3.seperti biasa, tempo perlawanan yang berubah kepada mode malas selepas minit ke 60++. final ke tak final ke, ketahanan stamina tetap menjadi masalah kepada pemain-pemain kita. but then again, kalau fans pun dah start maki hamun team sendiri, baling-baling benda kat players yang diorang support, memang ar malas nak main(note the m'sian mentality.haha).

4.last but not least, (ni aku bangun angkat tabik) consolation goal kelate. trademark free kick dari encik indra putra. untuk standard kita, kira power la gol macam tu. bukan selalu bole buat kan? satu lagi sebab itu gol ke-11 untul abang botak kurus, maka beliau telah beat 10 gol zaquan adha lalu meraih penjaring terbanyak Piala Carok eh Piala Malaysia. boo zaquan boo. Hahahaha.

Empat jek detik menarik sepanjang 90 minit? Good enough la for a local game. Hidup bola kita. Majulah sukan untuk negara.
Sekian, terima kasih.

Expectations vs Reality...

In '500 Days of Summer', there is an interesting split-screen part which portrayed two very different situations at the same time. One showed what Tom expected; what he really really wanted to happen. The other showed what actually happened; as always, reality will bite you hard in the arse no matter how big you dream.

Life is not like how it is in the movies. But at least the split-screen part was right.
'You always want what you can't have, but you've got to try.' Even if you know things will never turn out right in the end? Even if you know you'll eventually fuck things up? I'm not being a pessimist here. I'm just being realistic.
People scoff and laugh their heads off when FAM set their targets for Malaysia to play in World Cup 2014. Is that being negative? I admit, I love my country and I belt out my full support for the boys in yellow wherever and whoever they play. But in reference to the 'target', please. BE REALISTIC.
Back to the issue being discussed. I want a happy life ahead of me. Who doesn't? Only right now, I don't see it coming soon. Heck, I don't see it coming at all. Quoting Carlos Luiz Zafon's words, 'when you doubt yourself even for a minute, you've lost that hope to carry on'.
Yes, I've lost all hope right now. Diri sendiri pun tak terjaga. Dah macam sampah. Macam mana nak jaga orang lain?
There is a hint of truth in that statement, harsh as it is. Expectations? No more. Time to get real. Fake plastic smile? Your service is greatly required right now. Hey ho. Let's go.

Crunch Time at the Kop

As all the hype goes, Man U travel to Ainfield to face Liverpool tomorrow and the devils head into the match with a hint of advantage over the recent lackluster form of their hosts. I am a fan of neither teams, but this fixture should not be missed for the neutrals.
I'm pretty sure most of us still remember the results of their last encounter. Man U successfully went on to lose(haha) 4-1 to the Reds in a scintillating performance by Captain Marvel and Co.
However, things aren't looking so good for the Kop faithful this time around. Man U, despite carving scrappy wins over lowly oppositions, are at least winning their games. Liverpool have unfortunately loss all four of their recent matches, but that is not their biggest problem. With Gerrard and Torres still doubtful to start because of injuries, the Reds actually pose a far lesser threat than when the two are available.
They may still have other attacking options in Kuyt, Babel and Benayoun, but let's just face it. Liverpool without Gerrard and Torres is just plain..well, plain. Even the big man Carragher seems to have lost his composure, thus the defensive errors in their back line leading to the recent losses.
BUT. We all know that anything can happen in football. And if Rafa's men can strike up another 'miracle' in front of the home crowd tomorrow, it would be the latest installment in the never-ending series of premiere league drama for this season. That's just what we love about football. Biar jela kalau national team or league kita quality macam hampeh. At least there is still entertainment in the many other football fields around us.

From 'Kid'ulthood to Adulthood...

Last weekend, I got back in touch with a long-lost cousin whom I've never met since we finished primary school. There was a lot of catching up to be done, although things were very much awkward at first as the only thing we had in common were the memories of our childhood days together.
As our little 'jejak kasih' program unfolded, I couldn't help but ask her the question.
'The boys. Are they yours?'
'Yes, of course. Eh. You didn't know?'
You bet I didn't. My cousin is now a single mother with two beautiful sons. I wasn't taken aback with the fact that she got married at the age of 18. I wasn't offended because I didn't know all these while. I was a little pissed when I found out that the jerk she married just went missing a couple of years back and I felt sorry for her and company.
But what really knocked my senses into me, was how she had managed to hold the edges and keep it together after all that she'd been through. I asked myself there and then, how would I fair in a situation like that?
People my age are generally regarded as 'young adults' and, as the term shows, we are expected to think, speak and act the way adults do. They don't give in to difficult times; they try to make the best out of it, be it having to work longer working hours or juggling two jobs at once. They are in total control of their emotions when things go bad somewhere(sparks may fly once in a while, but nobody's perfect). They will eventually turn out winners against life's challenging journey, and successfully pave a clear path for not only their future, but for their children as well.
I must admit, I still feel like I'm stuck in my teenage years. That transition of maturity and character seems to have not kicked in at full throttle, although the age suggests otherwise.
Do I fear for my future? Sometimes. Well, '30% sometimes'. The other 70%? Yours truly is usually spotted with friends, enjoying life and 'living it to the fullest' (quote here as the term is used to reflect irony).
On the verge of adulthood? Not quite. The time will come(hopefully soon) but right now, I'm at the peak of 'kid'ulthood.

Sadness, Fear, Regret, LOVE...

My Significant Other,

I am sad whenever we argue. It hurts to feel your doubts and mistrust. I am sad whenever we disagree. It hurts when you keep misunderstanding me. I am sad when you are unhappy with me. I am sad when you are frustrated and disappointed with me. It hurts when you are not excited to see me. I am sad when sometimes I feel like you wouldn't even notice if I wasn't here. It hurts when I feel like you don't care.

I am afraid that you don't care. I am afraid you don't even know why I'm upset. I am afraid we are drifting further apart. I am afraid if I can't do anything about it. I am afraid that I am boring to you. I am afraid of making mistakes. I am afraid I can't do what I want without upsetting you. I am afraid of looking incompetent. I am afraid you don't appreciate me. I am afraid I can't make you happy. I am afraid I am not good enough.

I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry that I became so cold. I am sorry for being so resistant to your ideas. I am sorry for making your feelings wrong. I am sorry that I judged you. I am sorry that I can't stay calm whenever we talk. I feel so embarrassed for being so emotional. I am sorry that I am not more accepting. I am ashamed that I am not more loving. You don't deserve to be treated that way.

I want you to be happy. I want to work this out. I want to support you like you always have. I understand that you're upset. I know that you're not just trying to make me feel bad. I know that you really do care. Forgive me for being so indifferent. Forgive me for being so invalidating of your feelings. I want to be your hero and I want you to admire me for being who I am. I understand you are doing your best. I know that you love me, and I want to love you back in many more loving ways...

with love,
Your Other Half

Back in Black...

It has been a while since I was here. Many things around me have changed. Some good, some bad, some pretty, some ugly. The undeniable and startling fact? I still remain the same.
Today is the 1st day of Ramadan(happy fasting to all Muslims out there) and I've decided to start this 'bulan baik' with new hopes, wishes, dreams and resolutions for the future.
To my beloved sister Rabiatul Basariah, congratulations on the birth of your second child, Qistina Maisarah(my 2nd niece and my 5th anak sedara). I hope she's all fit and strong now after a few weeks in the incubator(you poor little baby), and I'm sure she'll grow up to be a fine young lady one day. Just like her mom.
Ummi, I'm sorry I can't always be there for you at times when you needed me most. I know you'd understand(like you always have since I was a kid), but still- I'm sorry. There are lots of things to be done here, but I promise that I'll make it up to you one day. I will always pray for your safety and well-being all the time, wherever you are, whatever you do. I promise you, this coming Aidilfitri will be the one of the best 'hari raya' celebrations for our little family. Insya-Allah.
To all my friends out there, please forgive my ignorance and neglectance. I know I can be a total jerk sometimes(M.I.A. most of the time and being so hard to reach), but believe me- I've NEVER forgotten any single one of you. That's why I'm trying so hard to get back in touch with you guys, although some of us have never exchanged words since years and years ago. Forgive me, my friends. Aku tidak pernah lupa daratan. Dan aku bukanlah si kacang yang melupakan kulitnya. Aku masih sayang kamu semua.
This entry will go on and on and on as I still have plenty to say, but I think that's all for starters. I'll be spending most of my time here after this, Insya-Allah, babbling away about the significant and insignificant changes happening around me, day in and day out.
Semoga yang baik kita jadikan petunjuk dan tauladan, yang buruk kita jadikan garis sempadan.

It feels so good to be back. I'm back in black, still with that fake plastic smile across my face.