Sadness, Fear, Regret, LOVE...

My Significant Other,

I am sad whenever we argue. It hurts to feel your doubts and mistrust. I am sad whenever we disagree. It hurts when you keep misunderstanding me. I am sad when you are unhappy with me. I am sad when you are frustrated and disappointed with me. It hurts when you are not excited to see me. I am sad when sometimes I feel like you wouldn't even notice if I wasn't here. It hurts when I feel like you don't care.

I am afraid that you don't care. I am afraid you don't even know why I'm upset. I am afraid we are drifting further apart. I am afraid if I can't do anything about it. I am afraid that I am boring to you. I am afraid of making mistakes. I am afraid I can't do what I want without upsetting you. I am afraid of looking incompetent. I am afraid you don't appreciate me. I am afraid I can't make you happy. I am afraid I am not good enough.

I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry that I became so cold. I am sorry for being so resistant to your ideas. I am sorry for making your feelings wrong. I am sorry that I judged you. I am sorry that I can't stay calm whenever we talk. I feel so embarrassed for being so emotional. I am sorry that I am not more accepting. I am ashamed that I am not more loving. You don't deserve to be treated that way.

I want you to be happy. I want to work this out. I want to support you like you always have. I understand that you're upset. I know that you're not just trying to make me feel bad. I know that you really do care. Forgive me for being so indifferent. Forgive me for being so invalidating of your feelings. I want to be your hero and I want you to admire me for being who I am. I understand you are doing your best. I know that you love me, and I want to love you back in many more loving ways...

with love,
Your Other Half

Back in Black...

It has been a while since I was here. Many things around me have changed. Some good, some bad, some pretty, some ugly. The undeniable and startling fact? I still remain the same.
Today is the 1st day of Ramadan(happy fasting to all Muslims out there) and I've decided to start this 'bulan baik' with new hopes, wishes, dreams and resolutions for the future.
To my beloved sister Rabiatul Basariah, congratulations on the birth of your second child, Qistina Maisarah(my 2nd niece and my 5th anak sedara). I hope she's all fit and strong now after a few weeks in the incubator(you poor little baby), and I'm sure she'll grow up to be a fine young lady one day. Just like her mom.
Ummi, I'm sorry I can't always be there for you at times when you needed me most. I know you'd understand(like you always have since I was a kid), but still- I'm sorry. There are lots of things to be done here, but I promise that I'll make it up to you one day. I will always pray for your safety and well-being all the time, wherever you are, whatever you do. I promise you, this coming Aidilfitri will be the one of the best 'hari raya' celebrations for our little family. Insya-Allah.
To all my friends out there, please forgive my ignorance and neglectance. I know I can be a total jerk sometimes(M.I.A. most of the time and being so hard to reach), but believe me- I've NEVER forgotten any single one of you. That's why I'm trying so hard to get back in touch with you guys, although some of us have never exchanged words since years and years ago. Forgive me, my friends. Aku tidak pernah lupa daratan. Dan aku bukanlah si kacang yang melupakan kulitnya. Aku masih sayang kamu semua.
This entry will go on and on and on as I still have plenty to say, but I think that's all for starters. I'll be spending most of my time here after this, Insya-Allah, babbling away about the significant and insignificant changes happening around me, day in and day out.
Semoga yang baik kita jadikan petunjuk dan tauladan, yang buruk kita jadikan garis sempadan.

It feels so good to be back. I'm back in black, still with that fake plastic smile across my face.

A 'Love-Note' to a 'Lovely Friend'

You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us, dammit!

I'm really pissed off. I hate hypocrites. They keep on pretending and hiding behind that fake friendly face and at the same time, they're happily going around stabbing everyone else's backs. You think we're six year-old kids who can't see what you're actually up to? Well, I've got something to say. A few things actually. Fuck you. Fuck you. And FUCK YOU.

You think you can hurt my friends and just walk away with it? You think you can get away after all that you've done? You're wrong. We NEVER forget. We'll be coming for you one day. And when that day comes, you're going to pray so hard you've never met us before.

This is not a threat. This is a promise. We will come for you. Just keep on running, because that's the one and only thing you can do for now. But remember-you can't run forever. Your legs will eventually give way, and when you least expect it, we'll be right behind you.

Don't worry. We're not going to hurt you. We're going to hurt you REAL BAD. Trust me on this one, sucker. You picked the wrong people to mess with.

Somebody Save Me...

There are tons of things on my mind right now. I need someone to talk to. I really do. I'm sick and tired. I'm taking my own life with boredom and I'm smoking the brains out of my head. I want it all to go away. Somebody please make it all go away. Somebody please come and save me...

Lyrical Lines of Life

These are excerpts of dialogues from some movies & TV shows. It's not about the messages or ideas that they convey, but they've always been around in my head. Maybe it's just me, or maybe they really do mean something. Whatever la... =p

'I know what I want because I have it here right in my arms. So if it's not me that you want then you'd better tell me.'

'I hate those T-shirts with the word STUPID and an arrow pointing upwards. I mean, who's above me?'

'I hear everything. You wrote that the world doesn't need a saviour, but every day I hear people calling for one.'

'What do you believe in?'
'I believe that whatever doesn't kill you simply makes you...stranger.'

'I'm not fuckin' A.D.D.'
'Hey, you don't use that word in front of your mom!'
'What's wrong with A.D.D?'
'The other one, smart-ass!'

'You think you're better than everyone else?'
'I AM better than everyone else. And that's not a belief. It's a FACT.'

'Live for nothing, or die for something.'

'Whenever he sees hope, you see destruction. I guess I'm voting for the other brother now.'

'Are you falling asleep?'
'No. I'm falling apart.'

We Can Heal...

Sacrifice is something that we're all too familiar with. We've all lost and we've all mourned. We've all had to become soldiers and heroes, protecting one another from the grave dangers all around us.

This is a battle that none of us wanted. A battle that we all entered with heavy hearts, knowing that the enemy was ourselves; the enemy that has been lurking beneath our fears and hiding behind our weaknesses.

We've won battles, not only against those who would do us harm, but also in reclaiming what is rightfully ours. But, we should never forget the price that we've had to pay and the laws that we've had to pass in doing so.

Our hope has always been that great peace is on the horizon. We've always hoped that one day, these wounds would finally be healed and salvation could be found. Therefore, we have the great responsibility to use what God gave us to help others and make a difference in their lives.

Our children deserve a better future. A future where they don't have to face their fears alone; where they can look into the darkness and find hope. So let's all inspire by example and fight this battle, no matter the cost.

This world is sick and spinning out of control, but we can help. With our love, strength and compassion, we can help. And with our help, we can heal.

Let's show them all what we're capable of...

I'm No Superman...

I ask myself, why do things turn so bad when it has been so beautiful? I am left hanging, but I wish not for long. I know we'll work things out. We always do.